Confusing. Those late night, ‘what the hell is actually going on in my life’ moments that keep us asking more and more questions. The more questions we ask, it seems, the fewer answers we get back. It’s noisy in our heads during this time, isn’t it. It sometimes feels like God enjoys this part. You know, the part where your life quickly spirals out of control and you have no idea how you got to this point. I have a hard time rationally believing that He does, but I remain hopeful that He finds my breakdowns are a little entertaining. *Insert smirk assuring jest*.
We find ourselves fettered to our filth, as if grace isn’t enough for the thoughts that hold us down. As if God had no idea that we would suck this badly. So what do we do? We try to unshackle ourselves. We try so hard to shake ourselves free from our bondage, from our filth. This, my friends, is the completely divergent to the Gospel. We’re not going to shake ourselves free! How often do I do this to myself, and ultimately destroy my remaining self-worth and confidence.
When we find ourselves drowning in anxiety–when we find ourselves suffocating, claustrophobic, and boxed in by “inevitable” pain… it is our job, our duty, our role as human beings to throw our junk at Jesus’ feet. This is the good new! God so loved the world, that he sent his Son to take up our suffering for us. He knew we couldn’t do it alone, and he loved us too much to watch us fail.
We have a couple of options here. We can stop playing God and stop trying so hard to fix ourselves–or we can stop, take a deep breath, and realize that we’re not broken. We can realize that God knew that we would mess up…. but guess what? He still called us ‘very good’. We entertain thoughts in our heads that downshift grace–even towards ourselves. Saying things like:
“God I just apologized five minutes ago, I’m ashamed to give you my sin again, what if I screw up again! That’d be three times today.”
“God, I just– I don’t want to be that guy that takes your grace for granted.”
“God,—” No.
We can try all we want to shake ourselves free. We can play those stupid pride games, but it isn’t going to work. We can try all we want to make it better on our own, or we can let go of the filth that is weighing us down. We get to release the toxins of our innermost being, knowing that the toxins are just going to build up again–and when they do, we can set ourselves free yet again.
Grace has no ceiling.
Grace is not a journey or a destination.
Grace is here, grace is now.
You are right where God wants you to be. He’s ready to take your shame. He’s ready to take your hurt. You’ve just got to dump it at his feet. You are of infinite value to God. You’re of infinite worth.
Her pain was real.
